


The Cooperative Testing Initiative

by Sitriga



Category: Overwatch (Video Game), Portal (Video Game)
Genre: Crack Crossover, Gen, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Sass master GlaDOS, Testing is fun, and deadly, crack in general, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-07 15:57:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12844557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sitriga/pseuds/Sitriga
Summary: Tracer was blinking through the rooftops of London... until she found herself in a test chamber, with no clue of how she got there and unusual - and quite deadly - company.





	The Cooperative Testing Initiative

**Author's Note:**

> Jesus, I really wrote this after all. You may blame Solarbird and her [The Deadly Neurotoxin Homebrew Club](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12825885) . Go check it out, it's awesome!

"Cheers love! Cavalry's... here?"

Tracer looked around, dumbfounded. That wasn't London, for sure... It was some sort of facility, all rusty and wrecked, but high tech nonetheless. She turned around to have a better look of the place whe was in and found a woman staring at her from a short distance: eyes wide as plates with astonishment, tank top, orange sweatpants and some weird boots. The adventurer rolled her pistols back to the holsters in her bracers and walked to her.

"Oi luv, what is this place? Where are we?"

Still quiet because of the shock, Tracer presumed, the woman pointed to her tanktop, that bore the logo of the place:  _ Aperture Laboratories. _

"Oh, a lab then! Say, do people use to appear out of thin air around here, or... Oooo what's the wicked orange thing?!"

She just noticed the elliptical field of orange energy that showed a totally different part of the room than it would be natural to see. She just had to go and stick an arm through it and tell all about it to Emily afterwards!

Before she could take two steps, though, a voice echoed through the speakers.

"My my, what do we have here... Have you got split into a different version while passing through the portals? Duplicates have been recorded as a side effect in the early stages of testing the  Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device. Maybe yours is malfunctioning, I'd have to check." 

Tracer looked to the woman for some sort of explanation, but she just sighed in response.

"I have to say, though - she looks prettier and thinner than you, an upgraded version, if you may. In the event that we are required to terminate one of you to prevent the catastrophic destabilizing of this timeline and subsequent doom, I'd be really tempted to choose her over you. Nothing personal, just natural selection and the fact that you're still a monster, of course."

"Geez lady, that's a lot of awful things to say at once!" Tracer protested. The woman at her side just rolled her eyes. "We're not, uh, the same person, you know! And she's not fat. Where did you even get that notion? Must be something wrong with your eyes."

"Oh." The voice said. "Interesting. In this case, I'm required by protocol to have you state some basic information such as name, occupation, age and if you have any allergies, such as deadly neurotoxin."

"Beg your pardon?"

"I'll have you know, cake will be served afterwards."

Tracer turned to the woman again, shielding her face from the cameras and whispering "Damn god, luv, this lady's  _ nuts _ ! By the way, what's your name? Don't think you mentioned it, or anything at all, for that matter..." 

"Oh my, look at what you're doing, asking a mute, fat, broken, sad girl to talk like that. What a horrible person you are." The voice said, amused as a viper ready to attack.

Tracer's jaw dropped, and she was unable to find words for a moment. "Gosh, I'm so, so  _ sorry! _ " She squeaked and the voice chuckled. The woman, she just shrugged. She looked the type that had seen too much in her life and nothing shook her anymore; Ana would like her for sure.

"Now, since we have that settled and you, mean as you are, won't give me your name, I'll just go with the protocols that say that any person that ends up in a test chamber and fails to identify itself is to be given a codename and start testing right away, as issued by me in this exact moment. Your codename is FashionDisaster, by the way. Happy testing!"

"Wait, what?! I am not a fashion disaster, you wanker!" She stuck her tongue out to the cameras and turned around. "Can you believe this woman?! URGH!"

A loud buzzer sound filled the room, followed by a rather automated male voice that said  _ Cooperative testing initiative now initiating. Please walk to the designated exit door _ . The path to said door, once high up a wall and the other side of a pit with really nasty water on it, was opened and clear in a heartbeat. That's pretty neat, actually. Tracer thought. Winston would like it.

"uh... should we, or...?"

The mute woman was already leaving to the door. Since she was the only person there and she might be a little less insane than the one from the speakers, she followed her.

\--

They arrived at another test chamber, this one apparently an impossibly tall place with that toxic water and platforms that lead up and up.

"This next chamber involves my newest creation, the Aperture Science Portable Throwable Neurotoxin Mines, and how test subjects react to being thrown in a room with the Aperture Science Portable Throwable Neurotoxin Mines. Good luck!"

"wait,  _ what?! _ "

The woman with the gun was already placing portals -  _ so they were portals indeed! _ \- and bouncing up the room, and Tracer just couldn't believe the insanity level of that place. Maybe it was something in the water...? Nevertheless, since the options at the moment were to stay there and watch or to along with it, she simply jumped and blinked upward to the nearest platform, repeating the process several times. As promised, mines were thrown at them, but the kinda-not-ex-agent of Overwatch could just laugh at the attempt to hit her with that. She had an easy time dodging then, and at a point she just drew her pistols and made a game of how many she could hit while jumping and flipping around.

"Now that is an illegal object and would render this test null, in usual circumstances" The woman mused on the scene "but I'm having a nice, scientific time analyzing the patterns of your movement while you shoot those mines down. Are you suicidal, FashionDisaster? You certainly move so. Well, anyway, who am I to judge. Go on bouncing around, getting slowly poisoned without a care in the world...!"

" _ Up yours _ , ma'am!" Tracer laughed. " You don't get to tell Tracer what to do!"

"oh, so _ you're Tracer _ . That's valuable data. You're  _ her _ annoyance..."

"What's that?" At this mention, Tracer stopped on a platform, confused. Her annoyance? Was she, by any chance, talking about...?

In her moment of distraction, she almost got hit by a mine and blinked to her left in surprise. Unfortunately, there was no platform there and she started falling wildly to her apparent doom - then she recalled, and was standing again at the initial platform.

"Oi, that was rude!" She shouted at the speakers.

"My, what else can you do, FashionDisaster? Teleport to the moon and wreck havoc on this facility? - Oh no, that's our Chell here, my mistake. But do you have any ability that actually involves you being quiet for a little while, or is it too much of a dream to hope for?"

Chell chuckled some platforms above.

"Oh luv, I didn't mean to annoy you! Good thing, though." Tracer laughed.

" I could totally trap you in a cage and send sweet sweet neurotoxin to poison you to death right now, but I'm a bigger person than that. Instead we're gonna continue tes-- ops! My fingers slipped!"

The platform where Tracer was suddenly shifted to the side, reentering the wall, as did all the others below it. This time, she really was falling to her doom.

"Bollocks, lady! Not fair!" She managed to shout before looking frantically to the sides, looking for something to grab on. There was nothing - but in one of the walls, approaching rapidly, was one of Chell's portals...

With almost no time to think the agent blinked there, hoping to get by Chell's side or something that would let her land safely with a smug face and laugh at the crazy neurotoxin woman for the shameless attempt of murder.

She rolled on concrete, though, and hit an air exit. Laying down with her back on the floor and out of breath, she took a moment to realize she was back at the rooftops of London, and the night was windy and pretty.

"What the fuck was that?!" She shouted to no one in particular. "Where the fuck I was? Who...  _ FUCK! _ "

She just had to get this out of her chest. And, of course, tell her friends all about it. She got to her feet, checked the energy left on the accelerator and blinked away through London, heading to her flat. Maybe Emily wouldn't mind her being late again this time... 

  
  
  



End file.
